07.01.13 WOULDN’T IT BE NICE …

Wouldn’t it be nice if bacon cured cancer

Wouldn’t it be nice to shit on the front porch 

of someone whose dog left a steaming pile on your lawn

Wouldn’t it be nice if Brussels sprouts tasted like

fried chicken

Wouldn’t it be nice if the combined salaries of

20 teachers was as much as that of one

third-string quarterback

Wouldn’t it be nice to beat the crap out of parents

who think it’s cute that their loud, obnoxious kids

ruin the meal of everyone else in the restaurant

Wouldn’t it be nice to have the financial section

of tomorrow’s newspaper

Wouldn’t it be nice if people on mobile phones

didn’t pollute the air five times louder than normal

Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a simpler time when

Hare Krishnas were the most annoying thing

at airports

Wouldn’t it be nice to not waste time reading

some knucklehead’s rant about what would

be nice


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12.12.12 THE 10 BEST THINGS ABOUT LAS VEGAS

The fried chicken at M&M Soul Food

Even day-shift strippers are hot

The Pinball Hall Of Fame

The bars never close

Breakfast at the Peppermill

Eli Roth’s Goretorium

The Neon Boneyard

Ass Juice at the Double Down Saloon

World’s Largest Gift Shop

Elvis has left the building


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12.05.12 MAYWEATHER AND PACQUIAO AGREE TO FIGHT

MAYWEATHER AND PACQUIAO AGREE TO FIGHT

Las Vegas, NV, December 5, 2012Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao will fight May 11 at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. The contract was signed early this morning, meaning that after two years of trash talk and lawsuits, the long anticipated fight is finally a reality.

Many boxing insiders feel that agreement to the megafight was reached due to the fact that both boxers are scared to death to get into the ring with rising challenger Killer Kong (26-0, 26 KOs), a vicious brawler who once killed an opponent and vows to do it again every time he sets foot in the ring.

The buzz in boxing circles is that the thought of having to fight Killer Kong has put the fear of God into both Mayweather and Pacquiao. And apparently the only thing the two rivals have ever agreed upon is that fighting each other will postpone indefinitely either of them having to fight Kong.

Neither Pacquiao, who is preparing to fight Juan Manuel Marquez Saturday night at the MGM, or Mayweather has commented publicly about Killer Kong. But one veteran trainer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that “Floyd gets scared as a little girl at the mere mention of Kong’s name”.

Kong, who wears a necklace made from the teeth of fallen opponents, fights Saturday on the undercard at the MGM, and if the undefeated brawler scores another vicious knockout, the public will stop caring about the megafight or the fact that this story is a spoof. The public will be screaming for either Mayweather or Pacquiao to fight Killer Kong. And they won’t care which one of them is carried out of the ring.

Catch the blow by blow account of Killer Kong’s latest fight in the novel Vegas Knockout


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11.03.12 DOUBLE DOWN SALOON CELEBRATES 20 YEARS

Double Down Saloon - 20th Anniversary Anthony Bourdain recently named the Double Down Saloon in Las Vegas one of the top 5 bars in the world. And who could disagree?
Always expect the unexpected at this legendary punk rock dive. This 24/7 clubhouse for the lunatic fringe which is the birthplace of the fabled Ass Juice (Bourdain’s favorite) as well as the Bacon Martini. Where chaotic murals and disturbing videos assault your senses, while some of the biggest names in punk, surf and garage perform on the mighty Double Down stage.
Almost from the start people called Double Down the happiest place on earth, and finally all that fun could no longer be contained within four walls. In 2006 at second Double Down Saloon was opened in New York City’s East Village.
The 20th anniversary party will be held at the Double Down Saloon in Las Vegas November 22-25. Four nights of midgets, mayhem and music featuring the Boss Martians, the Heiz (Japan’s most exciting live band), Las Vegas favorites the Vermin plus much more. And, as always, it’s free to get in.
SHUT UP AND DRINK


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10.15.12 BLOODCOCKS UK TOUR ANNOUNCED

Bloodcocks UK Tour

Staying true to their promise of never playing in America, the Bloodcocks UK are going to the actual UK. Dates have just been announced for the Las Vegas band’s Gunther Goes To Gatwick Tour which opens November 8 in Leeds, England and closes November 17 in London.

Bloody, Gory, Gunther and Annie made their bones cranking out irreverent songs about monsters and every imaginable bizarro sex kink. And along with fan favorites Godzilla Go Go and Green Chick Twist, the tour will include new songs Chick Fight, Bag Of Cheerleaders and Three Hole Romeo from their upcoming CD on SquidHat Records.

Buy a plane ticket or buy a CD. Bloodcocks UK are not to be missed.


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09.20.12 ROD STEWART ASSAULTED ON STAGE IN LAS VEGAS

ROD STEWART ASSAULTED ON STAGE IN LAS VEGAS
Pie In The Face Interrupts Caesars Palace Show

Rod Stewart

Las Vegas, NV, September 20, 2012 – Five people were arrested in Las Vegas Wednesday night for storming the stage at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace and striking singer Rod Stewart in the face with a pie. Blinded by banana crème, the stunned Stewart stumbled about the stage as his assailant grabbed the microphone and finished crooning “You Wear It Well” as the capacity opening night crowd of 4100 cheered wildly as they thought the stunt was part of the show.

Las Vegas police spokesman Sergeant Harry Kagel issued a statement saying that charges of aggravated assault and criminal trespass were pending against the five who gave their names as Jimmy Dot, Swanky LaBeef, Poontang Johnson, Jenn O.Cide and Dr. Zombo. Kagel added that further investigation led police to believe that disruption of the show was a publicity stunt designed to promote a roving cabaret of curiosities known as the Jimmy Dot Circus. Still further investigation will reveal that this entire story is a spoof.

Stewart spokesperson Maggie Maynard threatened legal action against the casino for lack of proper security, and added that the singer was undecided about whether or not to cancel the remaining eight shows of his Colosseum residency scheduled to run through October 7.

Read more about the Jimmy Dot Circus in the new novel Vegas Knockout.


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09.10.12 EXTREME BOOK PARTY – P Moss reads Vegas Knockout


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